


Angst and Longing

by bigdingdongs



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Barby's hookups, Doofenschlonginator, German, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Milk Dudes, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Twink, celine dion - Freeform, pubes and angst, sex fiends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 11:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15948107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigdingdongs/pseuds/bigdingdongs
Summary: Who is Ambutis Peter? Only a rogue, an outlaw. We do not speak of Ambutis Peter here in any light but negative. Ambutis Peter: the infamous twink, as well as thief. Ambutis has done many things, all of them negative. Back in ‘05, he was known to many as the “Cum Twizzler”, as well as the “Nut Blaster”, because of his famous technique: he would invite local bears and otters (gay terminology) to his apartment complex on 69 Mulberry Lane where he would then twizzle their cum and blast his nut in their eyes. While distracted by the nut blast, he would promptly rob them of their money and send them packing. Do NOT trust this man. If you see anyone named “Ambutis Peter” in the street, bar, luncheon, etc, call an ambulance quick as you’ll want one to be there as soon as or even before the beatings begin. And the beatings will continue until authorities show up. Anyways be on the lookout for this man and perhaps put him on a watch list of some sort.





	1. The Robbery

It was a dark and stormy in the tristate area. A young man, known to all of his local high schoo as the Anime Club president, sat somberly at his desk, forming his attack plan against the local bank & trust.

  
“Those fools thb=ink they can scam me out of m pizzy money, but thats okay I’ve git begger plan s for money.” He said drunkily, taking another swig of Cobst Blue Ribbon. On the blueprints before him was a floor map for the bank which he had obtained from president Cooper, (secret name Paul Blart).  
He rubbed his hands together malevolently.

“Let the master plan commence immediately,” he chuckled to himself, reaching down for his zipper and beginning to jack off.

-

“Everyone put your hands up and give me all your money!” said a strange indeterminintlely German voice.

  
“I needall this money for my new invention which i shall use to take over the TRistate area!” Somewhere in the distance a woman screams. As the banker dudes are scrambling to gather the money, off in the distance another voice can be heard

  
“Everyone give me your money if you want to live!” A vaguely American voice yelled.

“What the nuts and bolts?” Says the German man. “Who goes there?”

  
“It is I, Ambutis of the Peter clan!” Ambutis yells, drawing a sword. “Do you care for a duel?”

  
“Peter clan? That must be Lithuanian.” Says the German man.

  
“Answer the question,” says Ambutis.

  
“You wish to duel me?” German Man says, as the bank workers scramble in confusion, assembling into an audience to cheer on the victor of this duel. They take to the comfortable lobby seats and begin pouring a warm cups of Folger’s.

  
One woman, sobbing anxiously, sings, “the best part of waking up.. is folger;s in your cup…” as her body quivers in fear.

  
“Bring ot,” Ambutis says confidently with a smirk, letting out a battle cry.

The german man chants something in a srtange language, firing bullets at Ambutis, who dodges every one expertly, fighting them off with this sword. Suddenly, they approach each other, grasping hands in what appears to be an arm wrestle.

  
“This money is mine,” Ambutis grunts.

  
“Over my dead body.” The german man yells, “Just hand over the money and nobody gets hurt.”

  
“Make me,” says ambutis.

  
The german man responds by doing the unexpected…. He pulls Ambutis in for a sweet yet fiesty kiss. The audience gasps at the striking revelation. Ambutis wiped his mouth in disgust.

  
“Yo man what the fuck?” he said rapping nervously

  
The evil german man, having just distracted the younger boy, grabs the money and makes a run for it.

  
“ughhh im so mad:” says ambutiss. The police arrives to the scene five minutes later, but the man has already escaped. Ambutis narrowly avoids the cops and a 20 year to life sentence for his heinous crimes.


	2. Angst and confusion (sexual)

Ambutis returns to his daily life, with resentment left over from his failed bank robbery.

“How could that man have just beaten me to the bank on the very same day for a robbery… Unbelievable!”

Days pass as his confusion grows only stronger over time. Images of the man dance in his head, as the unexpected events of that one fateful day stew in his brain. The climatic fight with the audience cheering them on… Masterful dodging of the incoming bullet swarm… And after the ultimate arm wrestling match of a lifetime, the most troubling thing of them all:

The kiss.

While it may be distorted due to angst, Ambutis’ memories of the kiss have only intensified. Over the past few days of masturbation, his fantasies have been invaded by the facade of that mysteriously evil man.

Going to his trusty computer to do some serious google research on this man, Ambutis opens up a Microsalt Word document and types out some vent poetry to vent his frustrations.

“Someone that I long to see…  
Is haunting my reverie…”  
-A.P. (2017)

“Yes i LOVE it,” he says out loud to himself, as he creates a manuscript for it and sends it into a local publisher.

And now for the most important task… Ambutis opens a new tab and types a query “Strange German man robs bank”

Looking at the news for last week, he finds the story.

“Local bank robbed by mysterious German villain … Eyewitnesses claim the man was Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz, an evil villain hell-bent on conquering the entire Tri-State Area.”

“Ah-HA! That’s must be the man I brawled with. I must delve further into this…”

Dusting off his old Yellow Pages book from 2014, he tabs through the pages, searching for a certain D. However, his searches proved fruitless. Doofenshmirtz… such a unique name would not be hard to find. So why was it not there? Could the phone book be too outdated?  
Preposterous— it was only 3 years old. Ambutis, squatting down and clenching his entire form, focuses entirely as flaming hot energy bursts out around him— the elusive Focus Energy technique. And it was at this moment which the idea struck him; he would search the phone book for a possible alias. In his enlightened state, the memories of every entry in the book are accessible. One in particular stands out the most.  
“Hans Doobinsquirtz…555-420-6969…69 Mulberry Ln. Springfield, TSA 69420”

“I’ve found him… At last >:)” Smiling evilly. Could this be? The Doof of his dreams?


	3. The Encounter

Ambutis called an Uber to take him to his location, and upon arriving at 69 Mulberry Lane, he realized that it was actually a large, phallic building under the ownership of “Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.”

“Doofenshmirtz Evil incoportated?” Said Ambutis, except when he said it outloud it was more like singing, for some reason. 

“Thank you kindly sir,” he called out to his Uber driver, tossing him a shiny nickel. “You buy yourself something real nice now,” he said, tipping his fedora. 

The Uber driver shat his pants in the sight of this beautful coin being tossed by this magnificent man and drove away. Ambutis entered the large grey building, and upon entering the elevator, clicked on the button reading 69th Floor. He had no proof that this was Doofenshmirtz’s house, but for some reason this felt right.

“Uh…. Doofenshmirtz..?” He called out, into the empty menacing hallways.

Doofenshmirtz would know that voice anywhere. “Ah, Abmutis,” he says over the loudspeaker, “We meet again.”

Ambutis clenches his fists. “Stop antagonizing me, Doof! Stop haunting my reverie!”

Doofenshmirtz audibly smirked over the intercom. “HAve I been in your thoughts?”

“Yes and I’m declaring you my rival because I’m sick of this. I’ll also be blocking you on facebook when I get home.”

“Jokes on you I deleted my facebook four score and seven years ago in order to protect my identity.”

Ambutis kicked a wall in frustration “UGH Fine I have to go anyways I’m gonna be late for my job at Barby’s— OH NO” He clasped his hands over his mouth. “Pretend you didn’t hear that!” He scampered away, but unbenkownst to him, Doofenshmirtz had recorded the entire conversation and was now listening to it on infinite loop and masturbating furiously.

“That boy… I cannot WAIT to get my hands on him…!” the man exclaimed excitedly.


	4. Scandalous Surprise

It was another day at Barby’s sandwich retaurant. Ambutis was decidedly salty after that second encounter with Doofensmirtz, but he did not let that interfere with his work ethic and maintaining an amicable demeanor with his coworkers, namely Carmichael, his best friend and secret sex fiend. Carmichael and Ambutis had a brief falling-out after a rather serious pregnancy scare, but have since then reconciled and are going strong yet again.

“Man, it’s Saturday, and that means we’ll be having that intense dinner rush today,” Ambutis warned his loving coworker.

“Yup, but I’m ready as always, and we’ll make it through together!~” Carmichael purrs, hugging Ambutis warmly.

Not too long afterwards, a suspicious looking Blonda civic pulls into the largely empty drive thru.

“Ah, that must be the first of the dinner rush crew!” Ambutis happily exclaims to his friend.

“Yes, why don’t you take the order this time honey? My treat,” Carmichael replies.

“Thanks Carmichael! I’ll make this customer very happy!”

“Welcome to Barby’s! We have the Meats, limited time only! How may I help you today?” Ambutis says over his headset, ready to take the order.

“Oh, you’ve got the Meats? I’ve got meat for you too… and I suppose I’ll have one Junior roast beef sandwich to go,” the drive thru patron responds.

The car drives over to the check out window, while Ambutis is befuddled by the remark in his latest order. The voice sounds strangely familiar… Regardless, he moves to the check out, and finds that the car’s tinted windows are mysteriously still rolled up.

“Hello? your order comes to one dollar and 69 cents total, please.”

The man rolls down the window slowly and sensually, winking at Ambutis. Ambutis barely holds back a yelp, realizing just who was in the car this whole time. Noticing Ambutis’ discomfort, Doofenshmirtz slowly withdraws the dollar and appropriate coinage. He gives Mr. Peter the currency, and Ambutis tells him to move on to the next window to receive his sandwich. Upon filing away the dollar, Ambutis notices something written on the reverse side. “Meet me in the bathroom behind the restaurant ;)”, it says. Upon seeing Mr. Peter’s distress, Carmichael hurries on over and asks what’s wrong.

“Oh… it’s nothing, really. Uh, just the happy feeling of the first dinner rush customer,” Ambutis nervously explains.

“OK honey, if something’s troubling you, I can help!”

“No, really, it’s not a big deal,” Ambutis says, joshing stealthily and moving the prepared sandwich into a bag for the customer. “Uh, I’ll be right back. I have to go to the restroom.”

Rushing out of the restaurant, Ambutis runs over to the men’s washroom out back. Opening the door with a rusty squeak, Ambutis hurries into the dimly-lit room. Apparently empty, Ambutis lets out a sigh.

“Ugh… it must have just been my imagination tricking me…”

As soon as the words were uttered, the door slammed behind him and he screamed. Doofenshmirtz had hidden in the Koala Kare changing station, waiting for his next meal to enter. (his rectum)

“Ah… where did you come from??” Ambutis yelps, surprised at the stealthily hidden Doofensmirtz.

Doofenahmirtz said nothing, he only slammed Ambutis against the wall, his face mere centimeters away. “No more talking now. Only lovemaking.”

Ambutis struggled under his grasp. “You’ll never take me alive!”

“I’m stronger than you, Ambutis!! you’ll never get away!!” Doofenshmirtz yeled.

“Oh yeah?” Ambutis pushed him away, concerned yet aroused, toppling him over and straddling his hips. “Who’s stronger now?”

 

>:(

 

“Just undress me, you monkey fuck!” Doofenshmirtz yelled passionately.

Furiously, Ambutis let his primal instincts take over as he fumbled for the buttons on Doof’s labcoat. They kissed passionately, ripping the clothes off their bodies and tossing them away on to the cold tile floor.

Suddenly there was a steely knock at the door. “Ambutis? You in here?”

The two evil men fell silent. “U-uh… yeah.. Carmichael is that you?”

“Yeah… whats going on in there babe?”

Ambutis sweated profusely. “Um,,, nothing!!! Don;t come in here!! I’m having bowel movements again!!!” He imitated a farting noise with his armpits.

Carmichael fell silent for a brief moment. “Well… alright then… feel better.” They could hear his footsteps trotting away.

“Ambutis… who was that?” Doofenshmirtz asked.

“No one… just my coworker, Carmichael.”

“But… he called you Babe,,,,, Is he.. your boyfriend?”

“N-no! He;s just my sex fiend!! It’s not serioius!!”

Doofenshmirtz clenched one of his fists, and with the other, masturbated softly yet angrily. “Ambutis…. I need you to be loyal to me…. This can’t happen if theres another man in the picture.”

“Doof, cmon!! Dont worry about thst!! Just make love to me NOW…..”

“Im sorry Ambutis. Perhaps anither time.” Doofenshmirtz gathered up his clothes in his hands and walked out of the bathroom, still nude.

Ambutis peter looked to the skies (the ceiling of the bathroom) and clasped his hands together desperately. “Por quoi??!?!?? POR QUOI??????”


	5. Reconciliation

Ambutis masterbatated furiously and angstily (with much angst), tissues and lotion scattered zbout the room. For the past week straight, he had done naught but jack off, stopping not even to eat or urinate. When he got hungry, he ate his semen, and when thirsty, peed into his mouth. His cheeks were hollowed with malnutrition; his muscles, shrveled with atrophy. Suddenly, his body began seizing as he had low insulin!

“My diabeetus is acting up again!” He jiggled and shook wildly

“You don’t even have diabetes” said an unknown voice

“Who are you?” Ambutis called out

But there was no response.

Ambutis realized that he could die any minute. He knew that his dying wish was to contact his sweet Doof and start their relationship anew. Thus, he whipped out his 2007 LG Flipphone and dialed him up. Back at Doofenshmirtz Incorporated, the phone rang. A single tear rolled down Doofenshmirtz’s face.

“I know when that hotline bling…” he whispered to himself, clenching his fist. However, throwing his pride to the wind, he picked up the phone, pausing before answering.

“Hello?”

A voice as old as the seven seas croaked out, “I’m dyin here Doof…”

“This is none of my concern,” Doofenshmirtz growled.

“Please Doof… please take me back… I don’t do much and im easy to feed… I live on a solid diet of rice chips.”

“Ugh,” Doofenshmirtz said. “Fine, I’m bringing some Milk Dudes to raise your sugar level.”

“But… How did you know I was dying of low blood pressure, i mean, sugar?”

Doofenshmirtz hung up.

Asd if on cue, an alarm comically blares in the Evil Inc. building in which Doof makes his residence.

“Hark! Who goes there!”

A quick glance at the cameras shows that a small child with a strangely triangular head is standing in the misty courtyard.

“Mistfully yours…” the boy whispers over the speaker.

Doofenshmirtz responds, “Who is this? I expect a duel with Agent P, not some small child.”

“Agent P? I was left a note from my pet platypus to fulfill a last wish. He’s gotten sick. He said only to show up here and duel, and I am not turning down his wishes.”  
Doof whips out his cock. “You dare challenge me, child? Well, stay put. I will see you shortly.”

A quick elevator ride down 69 floors to the ground later, the heavily fortified door to the building opens wide.  
“Ah-hah—let’s get this over wi—“

With a loud Bang, the boy falls dead instantly, shot through the heart. The bullet falls out of sight with a morose thud, a chunk of the boy’s flesh attached, having gone as far as the eye can see.

CELINE DION – “MY HEART WILL GO ON” LYRUCS  
Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you  
That is how I know you go on  
Far across the distance  
And spaces between us  
You have come to show you go on  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime  
And never let go till we're gone  
Love was when I loved you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always go on  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
You're here, there's nothing I fear  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way  
You are safe in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on.  
See more at: azlyrics.com

“Ah, that settles my pent-up angst very nicely,” Doof thought to himself.

With his recenvt invigoration, Doof heads back inside, cock-gun slapping between his thighs.

(To reader) “Yes, my cock is also a gun. It’s cunningly named the Doofenschlonginator. One of the many inventions I could realize thanks to the recent bank heist.”  
He prepares to deliver the much-needed aid to Ambutis. Packing his sack chuck-full of Milk Dudes and other assorted chocolate goodies, he is prepared for anything.


	6. The Man; Trapped

Police dsirens echo the town. It seems that the masterful gunshot from Doof’s exquisite idnvention had riled them up into high alert. Doof decides that, if he is to make this quest without police involvement, he must conceal himself. He searches his wardrobe for the perfect attire.

He reveals black ceremonial robes—perfect for the quick dressing! Donning them atop his naked body, he then proceeds to leave using the secret villain exit, just as the police pull up to the door. Using his secret garage to board the Blonda civic, he escapes the premises safe of the police for now. Carefully navigating the streets, he pulls up to Ambutis’ house at last. Milk Dudes in tow, he carefully rushes to the door, and realizes it is locked.

“Ambgutis! I have come here with aid!” he yeslls, with no responsed.

Resalizing that Ambutis may very well be in a catatonic state at this point, he hurries around to the back and breaks into the house swiftly and loudly.  
Finding Ambutis passed out on the floor of his cum-laden, filthy rag-lathered room was no surpdrise, yet shocked Doof verily. He hurries despite the overpowering aroma and withdraws the various chocolate candies from his sack. Osne by one they are gingerly yet rapiddly deposited into Ambutis’ vulnerable mouth hole.   
As if by a miracle, Ambutis springs to life in an instant. He is dazed and confused, unable to remember what has been going on over the past week.  
g  
“doofm… where…… what?? What happened?” he whispers, strength still returning to his voice.

“Ambutis…. we have not time. I must bring you home to safety!”

Heroically, Doofenshmirtz hoists Ambutis’ sickly frame into his spindly arms. Running to the window from whence he came, Doof leaps out of ground zero safely, and begins running off the property. Just as he is about to crcoss the street, a police man on patrol sees him!

“good afternoon sir. May I ask what you are dong cvarrying that shriveled man, and jaywalking, at the same time?”

“Oh! Well I was just bringhing him to a hospital to rouse him from his diabetic coma Uyou see,” Doof responds.

“That man is not in a coma sir. Hes slooking this way with much panic. i'm going to have to ask you to put him down carefully. You see, we’re on a manhunt right now. Gunshots were fired, and a suspect is to be found.” The policeman snarkily comments. “In fact… he lookljs mighty familiar…”

Doof tries to run away, knowing that Ambutis old antics had been ascertained. However a road block had been formed behind them with utmost stealth, and the rest of the police force was ready to intercept them!

Instinctively, Doofenshmirtz places Ambutis on the ground reaches for his cock-pistol. However, the poslice were wiser, more cunning as a team than Doof. They snipe his Doofenschlonginator from afar, crippling him!

“Ack! It seems I have no chjoice…… Ambutis… I’m so very sorry… “ he morosely whispers, ascending using secret propeller cloak technology. 

“I will rescue you once again… I pinky promise…” Extending his pinky to pretend to link pinkies with Ambutis but alas he is already too far away. Ambutis, too, reaches out his arm, but he is so sickly that this maneuver causes him to faint once more.

“Armed man on the loose! Open fire!” The police try to shoot down Doof, but to no avail -- the cloak is bulletproof, and no longer are any of Doofenshmirtz’ vulnerable organs exposed. He makes a swift, angsty escape away from the scene, yearning for the day that Ambutis would once again be rescued.

Ambutis awakens in a dank interrogation room.


End file.
